May Day

It's the first of May which means summer is almost here. It's finally warming up a little, but knowing Chicago, I'll be snowing tomorrow. Last night I finally moved into my new place (fourth place in Chicago overall). No more homelessness! I haven't been kicked out yet, so that's a good sign. My stuff is all over the floor and I need to do some major organizing. The best part about the new place is HBO! Now I can watch "Entourage" whenever I want. I don't even have to pay for the cable or wireless internet. My roommates seem cool. I find it hilarious their names are Matt and Ben. A few years ago, I had a serious obsession with Matt Damon and Ben Affleck. I had posters and pictures of them all over my walls. When speaking to people about them, I'd refer to them simply as Matt and Ben. My roomies look nothing like the real Matt and Ben, though. I will probably gravitate more towards Ben since he doesn't like sports and he's appears to be a stoner. I'm like stoners. The place is a typical bachelor pad. You can tell guys live there. I even have a futon to sleep on. Luckily every place I've lived in Chicago has had a bed for me to sleep on. It's strange to think how you can just live with people you don't know. Our society is so casual. Both of my roomies wait tables and I'm beginning to think it's not a bad idea. I could make more money than I do now plus I wouldn't have to be bored all day. My friend was trying to talk me into doing catering. I just don't think I have the personality/patience to work in food or drink. I'd drop things all the time.

May has always been a significant month for me. This time last year, I acquired my internship with The Onion, which turned out to be an amazing experience. Also last May, Ex Boyfriend and I broke up. May is full of family b-days and such. There are a plethora of concerts I want to go to. Hopefully May will be a fruitful month as I'm seriously beginning to burn out on life. I feel everything is a lateral movement. I feel like I'm idling waiting for something better to come along. I really need to move to NY and I also really need to go to France. Maybe these places would change my perspective. I need to find a job that requires me to use my right brain. It really sucks I can't describe my job. When people ask me the question: "So, what do you do?" I immediately say, "I'm a writer." Easy. But when people ask, "but what's your day job?" I then stumble: "Well, um, I do these things with menus and research, and I have to copy things back and forward, and um, fuck, I don't know." Sad. Truly sad.

I've come to the conclusion that sex doesn't equal intimacy. People have sex all the time and it's like shaking hands, really. Of course it's a "special act" between two people, but it really doesn't mean much in the long run because once the sex ends, you're not going to have anything left between you. The rest of your life you'll see that certain someone and think how you know what their birthmark on the inside of their thigh looks like, but really, you'll feel nothing else. I guess what I've realized is true intimacy is knowing someone on a deep level, feeling a connection, a bond emotionally. They understand you and vice versa. You can open your soul to them and you don't necessarily need to fornicate to do this. I'd chose emotional intimacy over physical any day. I guess I feel a connection with a couple of people right now and I'm not having sex with them.

Despite all my current frustrations and setbacks, I'm not giving up in finding something better in all aspects of my life. It's all out there waiting for me. It just has to be.

Goddammit. The girl with the dog is here at work. If she throws that ball for the dog one more time, I'm going to smack those ugly shoes off her. Ugh.