An Unfinished Life

This past weekend was pretty damn busy. From Friday at 8pm to Sunday morning, I was busy with social activities non-stop. Friday was comprised of drinking, a comedy show, and not getting much sleep. Saturday included hours of Urban Golf (most fun especially since the weather actually came through) and then an unexpected concert (keeping up with going to at least one show a week). Tonight I went to a friend's of a friend's house for a gourmet dinner, a couple. Their place was nice with painted walls, lots of books--basically a grown up place. They seem to have it really together. Me on the other hand, I so don't have it together. I waver back and forth. Someone recently referred to me as being "fragmented." What the hell does that mean? There are days where I really want to settle down, get a nice home, establish some sort of career, and be done with it, but there are other times when I'm running away from stability, conformity, and settling. I guess I like the idea of it more than the reality. I'd love to have a nice home in the city, a live in boyfriend to paint walls with, possible learn how to cook, and host weekly dinner parties with cheeses I can't pronounce, but I don't know if that'll ever be me. I'm truly stuck somewhere in the middle on everything. Wanting a relationship, yet not. Wanting a job, yet not. Wanting my own place, yet not. I'm in a limbo state that I don't know how to shake. I simply have no direction and this is both good and bad. I know people who pretty much have their whole life planned out for them. They know where they'll be in 5 years. But people like me, my life changes daily. Uncertainty grows. I like the unpredictability of my life but it also makes me uneasy. Complacency is what I fear most. I fear aging as well. I know by the age of 30 you're supposed to have it all figured out, but I don't. Not even close. I take comfort in my friends, most of whom are single and struggling to find themselves. I naturally gravitate towards them for common interests and to complain to/with. I keep thinking there has to be something better out there. Is this life? You go to work 5 days a week, party on the weekends, maybe randomly hook up with people, then do it all again next week? Or you met someone, settle down, have kids, and voila, that's your life, too. There has to be something else. There has to be a deeper meaning. Sometimes everything seems so petty and insignificant. I'm totally fascinated with the idea of traveling/living overseas. From what I understand, the lifestyle there is the complete opposite of American life. I want something more, but not sure what that is. I suppose when I find it, I'll know. Until then, I guess I have to keep searching, going through the motions, and have fun when I can. I really need to read more books. I've mentioned this before, but seriously, I need to force myself to sit down and read a book a week. It'll make me more cultured and intelligent. I have a whole list of stuff to dive into. I want to know a little about everything.

Boys have been occupying my mind, too. I mean, when aren't they? One gave me a disconcerting speech this week and the other hasn't even made a move on me yet. Then there are those guys who are totally into me (which is flattering), but I don't really want to pursue them. I wish it could be easier. It's coming on one year of a certain someone and I ending our 5 year relationship. I have almost officially been single for an entire year. I've always considered myself a latebloomer and in the past year I've certainly bloomed, so to speak. I really haven't accomplished much though. One train wreck right after another, "relationships" that end before they start, casual "dates," tons of "let's be friends" or "I'm not looking for a girlfriend" speeches. I admit at first it was fun to "play the field," but now I'm looking for something slightly more meaningful than just a let's-spend-two-nights-together-cum-let's-be-best-buds things. I suppose when the timing is right, it'll happen, but I'm getting restless. How many licks does it take to get to the chocolate center? (bad example, but you know what I mean). I both like and hate being single. I hate the stigmatism of it. Single, eh? No boyfriend, eh? What's wrong with you? I could possible be damaged but I think everyone is damaged in their own way. Everyone has had the shit kicked out of them by another person. I do feel somewhat accomplished because at least I've had a long term relationship and have lived with a significant other before which is more than a lot of people I know, but that was then, this is now. I guess the question remains with me, could I, will, I, do I really want to ever settle down in any sense? And what exactly does this entail?

Chicago weather is currently reflecting my erratic life. Yesterday is was freezing. Today is hot.

Also, I miss the 80s.