Doing the Unstuck

Most of the weekend was uneventful. For the most part. Friday night I went to a French party. I'm always amazed of the French/foreign contingent here in Chicago. It impresses me how well they speak English and have acclimated to America. A few of the French guys at the party had their collars flipped up. I wonder if they assimilated that style being here in America or if it started in Europe and trickled over here. Either way, it's so annoying. Very. I'm sad one of the Frenchies is leaving and going back to France soon. I think it saddens me because the other Frenchie will leave and soon they'll all be gone. Then the fun factor will die down. Then again, it'll motivate me more to go to France to visit them. I'm afraid if I go to France, I won't return to the States. I think I need something/someone to come along and change my life for the better. Maybe if I visited other cities, it may give me some perspective. I'm not going to get up and move without anything to go to, but if an opportunity came along, I'd do it. I need some sort of direction or I'll just keep floating along aimlessly. I'm torn between what I want. I eschew settling in terms of buying a home, having a lawn to take care of, etc. I don't want to own real estate. I fear the idea of permanency or settling for something that I know is something I don't want. Do I really want to live with roommates for the next year? I may want my own place, I think. I don't want to keep randomly hooking up and not having it be something special, but could I really give up the single life? As with jobs, I haven't found anything worth dedicating my life to in the sense of a day job. I refuse to sell out. I refuse to be a slave like everyone else. And if this means me being poor and jumping from shitty job to shitty job, so be it. I know eventually I'll have to acquiesce to society's rules, but I want to play by my own rules, not doing what everyone else does in spending the next 20 years at some unimportant office job. I want to do something creative 40 hrs a week, not sit and type useless numbers into an Excel file or make phone calls all day. I wish I could find something that included making money from thinking with my right brain or at least being a part of something that seems important like a film or publication. But do it full time and get by with it. I want to feel like I'm progressing and doing something meaningful. I really need to quit feeling sorry for myself and being down and try to find some sort of positivity and good energy. At least my social life is thriving as I'm constantly surrounded by a lot of interesting people which entails interesting experiences. All of it keeps me afloat. I've been thinking a little about the idea of closure. It's integral to have closure in any sort of relationship. Sometimes you get closure and don't even realize it until later on, but it's necessary to completely move on. Things must come full-circle. At the same time, closure is rough because it signifies the bitter end or closing a chapter in your life. But things must end to evolve into something else. Luckily, I have received some closure lately. Bittersweet closure.

Finally, last night I had dream my dad called me. Turns out he was alive all along. He didn't die. He pulled a Volver (not to spoil anything, but in the movie someone who was supposedly dead comes back. Hence the title.) It was a mysterious call as he wouldn't tell me exactly how he faked his death and where he was, but I got the impression he was in Chicago looking for me. I was both frantic and shocked and happy to hear from him. I felt relieved. He sounded the way I remember him. But alas, it was just a dream. I guess we all like to think maybe the dead isn't dead. It's a nice thought, though. I wish he was here to guide me.