I Give Up

I give up. For real this time. It seems no matter what I do, nothing sticks. I give up on dating, on finding that perfect job, on helping people out, etc. Call the search off. I know I keep telling myself to think positive, but seriously, this Secret bullshit doesn't work. To say I'm stuck in a rut is putting it lightly. The past few weeks have been a rollercoaster, up and down, and all around. I do feel better about myself when I'm working, but at the same time, it all feels so stupid. Everything is such a lateral movement. And now I can only hope for some luck to be thrown my way and impeccable timing. Leave it up to the Earth. The weather has turned cold again so I can't even be a beach bum. Jacket weather in June? C'mon! And what's pissing me off the most is those guys who can't take the fucking time to write me back. I think this is my biggest pet peeve--people who don't respond. I take the time to write a message and they can't take 2 whole minutes to respond to what I've written, to respond to the fact I've done something thoughtful or am inviting them to a fun function. Whatever. Then of course I begin to take it personally thinking I said something wrong. I truly fear saying the wrong thing which comes from the fact I have said and done wrong things, but mainly it's just paranoia. I need to have more faith and patience, but sometimes it never hurts to needle people a little, to kick their ass a little. Sometimes this helps, other times not. I don't want to give up on people because they'll always surprise you. I think about certain people (ie: guys) who I felt like giving up on, but then they came back and redeemed themselves with me and then made me feel better about the situation. I especially like it when people initiate things because I always feel like the one initiating plans, invites, messages, so when they do it, I'm ecstatic with glee.

I don't have any answers. I can't move to a new city, although I'm sure there's more opportunities for what I want to do in other cities. I'd really like to help people whether it be through my knowledge or my connections. Maybe I can find a job where I can help people. I just want to feel appreciated, that's all. I want to feel like people care about me and what I'm trying to do with my life. I know I'm not alone. Everyone I know is struggling in some way to find a career they like or to find the right mate. It's just hard to find the balance, especially if you are a creative individual. The push and pull. So, I continue to be a buoy in the sea, bobbing up and down, not really getting any closer to the shore.

I have decided to start a second blog. This one is going to be a short story anthology. I haven't written fiction much in the past few years, so it'll be my attempt to write some stuff. I'm tentative about launching it because the stories are of a very, how should I say it, salacious material? Very honest and very bold. But, we'll see what the reaction is. I will be holding back a little since it is such a public forum. If I ever get these stories published in a collection (which I'd like to do) I will definitely go back and add more details and descriptions giving the collection more of a R rating instead of a PG-13 one. So, more details to come with that. I guess all I can do at this point is keep writing. Write, write, write, and hope, hope, hope and put my energies into those who give it right back to me.

Quote of the day:
"America touts itself as the land of the free, but the number one freedom that you and I have is the freedom to enter into a subservient role in the workplace. Once you exercise this freedom you've lost all control over what you do, what is produced, and how it is produced. And in the end, the product doesn't belong to you. The only way you can avoid bosses and jobs is if you don't care about making a living. Which leads to the second freedom: the freedom to starve."--Tom Morello

I think I found myself a new occupation. I will starve instead of work.