Swing Your Heartache

Last night I went to the New Pornographers show and I thought they were just okay. I've seen them before and was happy Neko was finally there, but they just struck me as old and kinda going through the motions. I realize I like them and all, but they aren't by far one of my fave bands. I did like their blinking sign, though. Last night was also a bit awkward as expected. At least now I have some answers. All I can do now is pack up my bags and walk away and try to move forward. It seems like I'm put in this situation a lot. Disappointment seems to be a common theme in my relationships. I really think I need to look inside myself more and figure out why I'm drawn to the wrong kind of guy or what that says about me. Then again, you never know what's going to happen in the future and I'm a strong believer in second chances and having things come around later on, but for now I need to accept the situation. It's funny what can happen when you don't see someone for a few weeks. You see them and all of a sudden major life changes have occurred. That's why it's best to stay in touch better. But, I was also traveling quite a bit. I'm also thinking about embracing another element instead of thinking it as such a negative thing. If I don't embrace it, I'll be making the situation even more difficult. I need to have a "can't beat 'em, join 'em attitude." So maybe all this is the universe's way of confirming it wasn't meant to be, that in theory it seemed like a good idea, but maybe not. Or at least right now. I guess I need to decide exactly what I want from a relationship because sometimes I just don't know. Either way, life goes on. I guess I have to keep searching. Maybe someday, before I'm 4o, I'll find it.

I've also been thinking a little about my correlation and associations with boys and music. Music is my life and I'm naturally drawn to guys who like the indie rock and who attend a lot of live shows. I think music can be very personal; it becomes an imprint on your life. Like a part of who you are or were. You can remember going to a show with someone and for the rest of your life it becomes a time stamp of being with that person or seeing that band. A brief moment in time. There are 2 guys in particular I go to a lot of shows with so now it's getting to the point where I associate these events with these guys. Who knows, maybe in another year I won't speak to any of them, but you have those nights embedded in your memory. I also gravitate towards guys who I can talk about music for hours. I'm not sure why but it's sometimes how I connect with guys. Of course, sometimes, that usually leads to other things. If I trace some more recent connections, they all go back to initially having some sort of music discussion. Certain songs also make me think of certain guys for whatever reason. And sometimes it transfers to multiple guys. I don't know what I'm getting at here, it's just that music and boys are potent forces in my life. I suppose it started with Ex Boyfriend years ago who taught me everything about indie rock. At least I got something out of that relationship. But I'm thinking of taking a long break from shows. Right now I don't have any planned after Nov. 5 and I'm going to my best not to plan anymore for a while. I'm kind of sick of trying to think of new ways to review shows. And like I said before, I go to shows with a couple of guys and I think I may need to distance myself from them. But knowing me, I won't be able to say no to either.

The weekend is here again. I'm going to yet another show tonight and tomorrow night doing a group thing with some friends I haven't seen in a while. Hopefully it'll all be better than last night. Hopefully everything will work out for the best. One can hope.