A Heartbreaking Work of Staggering Genius or The Year in Boys

I know I said I wasn't gonna write about personal relationships anymore, but it's the end of the year and it's time to get nostalgic. I think if I could sum up my romantic relationships this year, the word I would use most to describe them is disappointment. Most every guy found a way to disappoint me this year in various degrees. I blame myself for part of it because when I meet someone I like, I immediately begin to have expectations and I start to plan our future and then our downfall. I always tell myself I won't get emotionally involved, but then I do. And then these guys always find a way to crush my spirits with "let's just be friends" speeches or "I have a girlfriend " and statements like "you just aren't my kind of pretty." Ouch. Of course I always manage to actually be friends with these people, but it's complicated and hard, and you can't really just be friends because your feelings are out there and all the other stuff gets in the way (I only truly found to mutually just be friends with one person this year). I also have tried to convince myself I can do just physical "relationships" and detach myself emotionally, but I've realized this is impossible because I simply care too much.

Overall though, it wasn't a bad year for guys. I met a few great ones who are all a little fucked up in their own way, but maybe that's part of their appeal. I don't know what the prognosis will be next year, though. Will I still talk to them? Will our dynamics change? Will any of them still be active in my life five years from now? I have no clue but I can't really gauge that now. I hope they all will be. I think that I really do want more. Maybe I want a relationship or maybe not. Relationships are complicated and they don't last but for a while it may be good. I guess I see friends getting married and settling down and sometimes I feel like that's what I should do but only if it's with the right person. I still have a lot of single friends and friends who break up with people all the time, so I don't feel too much pressure yet, just a little. There are always going to be obstacles and I seem to really find these. This year I was really challenged by guys in a good way. I need to be challenged. Certain guys constantly invaded my thoughts this year and forced me to think and see things in a new way. I think with every guy I meet, I learn something about myself and maybe that's the whole purpose of relationships: self-discovery. I'll admit that I've made some mistakes, but I'm trying to learn from them and not make the same ones again. I like to think I get better and better with every challenge and learn what not to do or what to do better next time around. At least this is what I tell myself. Another thing I've learned is it's hard to let go. Really hard. You have an idea in your mind how you want things to be but the idea rarely evolves into what you want which of course leads to more disappointment. I struggle with this notion all the time. But despite all of this disappointment and heartache and crushing, I don't regret a single thing I did this year. I approached all of my relationships with honesty and my heart on my sleeve and was assertive when I needed to be. Sometimes we have to be patient and see what happens because life always changes especially when we least expect it to. Anything can happen at any given moment so you have to keep your heart open to the possibilities, I suppose. And sometimes when you think it's over, it's never really is. Sometimes they come back. I guess I'm in a good place and have accepted and made peace with certain situations, but I realize it's never going to be easy and there will be times when I will get upset and maybe try to recreate what once was. I've also learned you can't let anger control you. There have been situations where I was pissed off at guys but then I just got over it because life is too short to be petty and stay mad. Communication is also a key. You gotta talk about what you want. Luckily the guys I know are good at this. I had a couple of great platonic relationships this year with foreign guys: Frenchie and Swedish David. I don't think I've ever had any real foreign friends until this year. They also challenged me and changed my perspective on the world. Two of the nicest guys you'd ever meet but both are unfortunately half way across the world now. They are only a plane ride away, though.

I know it sounds like I didn't have much fun this year, but that's not true. I had some great nights of conversation and experiences. I had a lot of those next day moments when you feel happy and giddy about what just happened, a sense of seratonin rushing through the brain, a sense of euphoria, but of course these feelings are fleeting. Moments are ephemeral but at least you had them. I had some pretty interesting adventures this year all of which have attributed to my growth and have made me a much more well-rounded, albeit, fucked up individual. I know it may come across that I'm some sort of slut, but not really. There were different levels of involvement but there is just a minimal few that I truly hold close to my heart and have ever held close to my heart.

Finally, if I had to dedicate a song to encapsulate the entire year how I felt about these people or relationships in general, I'd dedicate Voxtrot's Wrecking Force. I think the title says it all.

Oh you boys, you've affected and influenced my life in so many ways this year. I heart all of you.