Four Years

Today I began thinking how I've almost lived in Chicago for four years and what it all means. I lived in L.A for five years, and thinking back, not that much bad stuff happened to me there directly. Well, my car got broken into a couple of times and there was some personal stuff, but other than that, it pales in comparison to all the shit I've been through here in Chicago over the past few years. I don't know if bad shit happening is conducive to living in the big, bad city (I don't consider L.A to be a real city since it's so spread out). I know I'm not alone in my mentality: Just this year alone, my friend has been mugged, stalked and had her brain bleed. Chicago just survived one of the worst winters in history: 52 inches of snow. Every other day it's cold here or it rains, so no wonder one of my friend's is moving to New Zealand and another to the Virgin Islands in the fall. But I keep thinking about my place here. Why am I here? Is it to become a fierce writer? To find love? Will these things manifest? Since moving here, my writing career has taken off. In L.A, I wrote screenplays but since have forgone that. I'm published every week and am quite Googleable, so I think maybe Chicago nurtures the creative spirit more than L.A which sometimes stifles it. I've had so many personal experiences here in Chicago. The city simply inspires me to write.

The funny thing is, I hated Chicago when I moved here in June 2004. I think a big factor was I moved up here with ex-boyfriend and didn't know a soul. He found a job fast and I didn't, so I spent the summer wandering the streets alone and writing. When we broke up, I could've easily moved back to Ohio, but I fought to maintain my independence here and follow my dreams. It's been a struggle, that's for sure. But, somehow I've survived. Sometimes I still think about going to NY. I think Chicago's a kinder version of NY, but I wonder what kind of life I'd have in NY. Would bad shit happen to me there, too? One of the things I love about Chicago is its randomness. Every day I run into someone I know. It's a small town with a three-degrees of separation feel. Everyone knows each other and is linked in someway. I felt L.A had its random moments too, but the city is too damn spreadout to run into a lot of people. I've made a lot of great friends here, but a lot of people I know want to leave, then what? And if I left, would I still be as close to everyone? I've definitely grown apart from a lot of the people I knew in L.A.

There have been several moments in the course of my tenure here that I've contemplated leaving, especially when the bad shit happens. But then I look up and see the skyline and all the buildings twinkling in the dusk and think, how could I leave here? I see the Sears Tower butting through and the Hancock, and then I see the vast Lake Michigan and everything seems to have more weight to it. I feel there's a reason why I'm in this city, but I'm not sure why. I feel more of a connection to Chicago than I did L.A and I think it's because I'm part of the scene here. I write about events and go to a lot of shows and know what's going on more than I did in L.A. I was a part of the film community, but culturally, I wasn't involved with anything else there. It was a bit alienating at times. In fact, it was downright lonely. I never feel lonely in Chicago. If I do, I can walk outside and see people walking around and then I don't feel so bad. In Chicago, you can be apart of many different scenes. Sure, Chicago has the worst mail delivery, the worst weather and public transportation and sales tax will soon be the highest in the nation, but every city is flawed. And yes, we have earthquakes and flooding, but we also have the best summertime. We have two awesome music fests and the best restaurants. Yet, there's so much of Chicago I still need to discover. I still need to experience a Cubs game and a bevy of those overpriced restaurants.

Four years later, I'm such a different person. I feel like I've lost my innocence. The city does that to you. You have to be a little rough and tumble and be willing to make sacrifices to live here. Romantically, it's been a total rollercoaster ride. I've mentioned this before, but men in Chicago don't know how to treat a gal. I've discussed this with many females and they all agree. I don't know if it's the city that breeds douchebags or converts outsiders into them because a lot of the guys I've been involved with here aren't originally from Chicago or Illinois. I'm not giving up on chivalry, though. It has to exist in someone. I could probably write an entire novel on the experiences I've had with guys. It's been exactly two years of me being single, too. Two years of melodramas, ups and downs, ons and offs, excuses, "let's be friends" speeches, etc, etc. I don't know what I've learned from these experiences. Follow my heart? Get over things? Continue the search? It's not me it's them? I definitely want something more substantial than a one night stand. I've learned I'm worth it and I deserve the best. Until I find that, I'm not settling.

Anyway, the past four years have been a wild ride. I don't know what the future has in store for me. Maybe I'll leave in another year or maybe I'll stay forever. I don't think it's time for me to leave, yet. Living here is preparing me for something greater. It's prepping me to travel the world and to find whatever it is I'm looking for. Let the search continue.


Enough introspection. Last night my friend and I went to the Flight of the Conchords show. My friend is a huge fan and I was able to hook us up with two free tickets, in the four row nonetheless. We had amazing seats and a great time. I like that I can use my credentials to hook people up. It's a nice feeling. Today is free McD chicken sandwiches and free Dunkin' Donuts iced coffee day. Perfect for a cheapskate, er, poor, person like me. Hopefully, my financial situation will improve and that someday I can wean myself off ramen.