Last Days of Summer

So, I'm going to admit I've been kinda down lately. I've been trying to figure out why. I think a lot of it has to do with fall coming. Summer is pretty much over and everything is rapidly changing. Autumn is one of my fave times of years, but it's also a much darker period. My friend wrote a blog post talking about how Sept. is the best month of the year because it's still somewhat summery, yet not as hot. I think a lot of things happen during the month. There are a ton of concerts coming up within the next few weeks and the weather is still nice for the beach. I feel like I did a lot this summer, but would've liked to have spent more time at the beach and the pool and traveled. The pools are all drained, which is depressing.

I had a dream last night that my friends and I went swimming (Lauren and Kathy, you were both at the pool!). It was cold out, but the water was warm. My friend who moved to Nashville was there, too. She came back for the weekend. So we were all frolicking in the water and all of a sudden, there was a bbq with a bunch of middle age people. It was a pool party! They had all these different kinds of bread and fruit. I even ate some sort of strawberry ice cream cake. The whole thing just felt alive with child-like innocence usually associated with summer. Maybe that's it: I just don't feel alive these days. I think I just miss people sometimes. I miss home and the people who live in other cities who I never see. I will miss summer. I still really want to go to the beach in MI before it gets too cold out. It's not too late to spend time outside enjoying the waning summer, but I feel I have stuff to do.

I get really depressed when I don't work. As much as I hate working, at least it gives me a sense of purpose. But I'm sick of working jobs I hate just for the money. I really want to focus my energies on other things...more important things. I started writing my horror script, and so far I'm happy with it. It's just a matter if my cousin will be able to do anything with it. It's the first script I've written in years, so I had to refresh myself on script formatting. Writing makes me feel better. Creative writing, though.

I'm going to be 31 in a matter of days, and I still don't know what I want to do with my life. I was thinking the other day, what does it mean to be successful? I know society associates success with money, but I don't think it's like that all the time. You can be successful in your own right. But I think success is consistent. You have to keep it up. Granted, I'm not even close to where I want to be. I feel like I've accomplished a lot of things and have done things a lot of people I know will never do. At the same time, I'd like a little more money and accolades and have everything be more consistent in my life. Most of all, I just want to travel. Everywhere. I know I keep talking about it, but I think it's an important part of life. You just can't sit idle in the same city all the time and I feel like that. Chicago is great, but there are other cities I'm afraid I'll never see. The past two Septembers, I've traveled: last year to NYC, two years ago to L.A. I don't have any major travel plans this month and it's bothering me. I'm supposed to go to VT with the boyfriend at some point, but I have a feeling it's not going to happen. He's going to Austin next month and I'd love to come, but a $300 tix is sorta ridiculous. Sometimes I wish money was no object, then I could do anything I wanted. Not being able to travel really eats away at me and depresses me even more. How am I suppose to have things to write about if I don't travel far, far away?

Maybe I'm just in a funk or a state of feeling sorry for myself and maybe it's because I have a bunch of stuff to do that I don't want to do and maybe it's because my bday is coming up and I hate my bday because I feel like there's always expectations that go unmet. At the end of my bday party last year, I cried for various reasons. Sat. night a bunch of friends and I are going to celebrate at bars, but I have no idea what the turn out will be like. On my actual bday I'm probably doing nothing as the restaurant the boyfriend is taking me to is closed. We are going on Tuesday instead. And I want the boyfriend to make my bday special somehow, but honestly, I've never been impressed with any gifts a boyfriend has given me. Maybe I'm just too hard to please. Then again, maybe this weekend will help me break out of my funk because I definitely need it. I need a new direction, a new start, something. I need something to change for the better soon.