My Old Kentucky Home

Since I'm still "in between things" and since I have absolutely no money, I thought I'd do some traveling and give more meaning to the word broke. Friday I drove home to Ohio to see my family. The next morning I drove down to Lexington, KY to see my friend Jenny (whom I realized I've known for 20 years. How many people can you say you've known for 20 yrs?). From Ohio to KY is only a 2 hour drive--from Chicago it's like 7 hours. I can't remember the last time I'd been to Lexington. A couple of years ago I visited Covington and Newport, but they don't count because they are a mile across the Ohio state line. As a kid, I used to spend quite a bit of time in Kentucky. My mom owned horses and during the summer we'd go to various farms in KY for the weekend. We would go to a lot of horse shows, too. I believe the last time I was in the heart of KY was in high school when I went to some lame music festival. It had been a while.

Anyway, there's nothing in Lexington. It's quite desolate but in a good way. If you're looking for peace and quiet and malls, then Lexington is the place to live. The downtown area reminds me of a quaint college town probably because UK is centered there. No tall buildings exist whatsoever. Apparently, Lexington has a fertile history with Henry Clay, a Wild Turkey distillery, and plantation life. Unfortunately because of winter, most museums and distilleries were closed. It's too cold to leave the house anyway. Next visit, when it's much warmer, I'll have to venture out to some of these sites and report back. Jenny and I will probably visit Louisville next--a more metropolitan city. They have gambling! One nice attribute of Lexington: fried green tomatoes! I had some authentic ones at a restaurant.

Here are some supposed facts about Lexington:

• It's the capital of franchise restaurants. If you want to start a charter, Lexington is the place restaurateurs "try it out." Currently, a Nothing But Burgers may be coming to a town near you.
• It's the second most homosexual populated city behind San Francisco.
• It's the horse capital of the world, although I only saw maybe five horses.
• Churches in Lexington are like Starbucks': one on every corner. Jesus saves!

Last night Jenny and I went to a club. A very cheesy club. I'd said the median age of the clubbers was 35 or 40. There were a lot of "Desperate Housewives" type women there. A lot of women with big hair, plastered on hairspray, and perms. Who the hell still gets a perm? I realized at that moment Chicagoans have great style. At least we don't wear black, leather pants or Lee jeans to a club. I don't think Lexington has ever heard of skinny or designer jeans. I also don't think they've heard of indie rock. People were doing the Electric Slide. The Electric Slide should be reserved exclusively for weddings, if even that. There was some serious p.d.a going on at this place, some serious college student/older woman and girl on girl grinding. It was like watching a train wreck. Last night I discovered you can't dance to the Pussycat Dolls or Usher. I never want to hear this music again. I'm more of a bar person than a club person and after last night, there's a reason for it.

I was hoping being in Lexington, I'd acquire a southern accent and come back saying "Y'all" unironically. No dice. I'm stuck with my L.A valley girl accent forever.

Anonymous Notes

I've read a few blog postings where people write anonymous notes directed at people who may or may not know it's directed to them as a means to get something off their chest. So, here are some quips directed at some people who may or may not know it's directed at them. No names. All confidential. If you ask me who these postings are about, I'm not going to tell you. If one of these quips is about you, I'm sure you'll recognize it instantly. I'm sure some of these people don't even read me blog. But if you do, I hope I do not offend. I'm just speaking the harsh truth. Here goes.

1. To My One Friend: I really hope you will learn to transition from you ex and find that new love you seek. Don't be afraid. We both know how short life is. Just go for it and see what happens. Like that song: "So, let go/Jump in/Oh well, what you waiting for?It's alright/'Cause there's beauty in the breakdown."

2. To My One Friend: I also hope you will get over your ex and embrace your new life set before you. I know you are scared, but I will hold your hand through it. Take a chance. We should write that book.

3. To My One Former Friend: As of this writing, you have 438 Myspace friends. You have "friends" such as Cher, Anthony Hopkins, Helen Mirren, and Miss World Germany. You do realize these people aren't really your friends, right? That you will never meet these people, right? That Cher isn't sitting there adding people, right? Oh wait, 440. You just added Mozart. Snap out of your delusional cyber-fantasy world! I mean, Nicole Richie is your "friend" but not me anymore? Are you kidding, me?! One day we will be real friends again. Until then, you continue to enthrall and appall me. Keep it up.

4. To My One Friend: You are too much of a workaholic. You don't need to work 12+ hours a day. It wouldn't hurt you to leave work a couple of hours early and hit the bars. You say you have an active social life, but you could have more of one. I really think you need to cut back a little everyday. Work isn't life.

5. To My One Friend: I know you are dissatisfied with your life, but you know you can change it. You can make it better. Let the past go and look to the present. Don't fear the future. It doesn't do any good to whine incessantly about how unhappy you are.

6. To My One Friend: We haven't hung out in a couple of weeks. You keep making pseudo plans with me of smoking, going to shows, etc, but it never seems to happen. I know you are busy, though. You better follow through with our plans for next weekend. There's lots of fun to be had together. While you're at it, dump that girlfriend of yours, already. Severe that dead limb. Get it over with already. Free yourself and be with me.

7. To My One Friend: Even though you revealed something personal to me this week, I still want us to meet up. Maybe we're each other's destiny. Maybe not. Either way, you should come to me or me to you very soon. I'm intrigued to see what will happen. I always appreciate your communication and candor. These are two traits I look for in a person.

8. To My One Friend: We haven't hung out in forever. Remember the concert we went to in October? We had a blast together. I wish you didn't live all the way in the 'burbs. I enjoyed our online conversation yesterday. I do think you're some kind of creative genius. We should collaborate on a project together.

9. To My One Friend: You haven't emailed me in a week. I fear you made have read something unsavory about you on this blog that offended you. I am sorry if this occurred. After all, you did say you just wanted to be friends and now we're not even that. Whatever.

To all the people who read my blog: I LOVE YOU!!

To all the people who don't read my blog: Fuck off.

To all the people who never return my messages: WTF? It only takes 30 seconds to send a message. I know people get busy, but c'mon! Either way get back to me. You give me a complex! If you don't get back to me, then screw you.

Segueing into a new topic: On Tuesday, the annual Academy Awards nominations were revealed. This year was the first time in like ten years I did not get up at 5 a. m. to watch the announcement. What the hell happened to me? Movies, Hollywood, and Oscars used to be my life. Every telecast I would sit there and anticipate the results. I used to have fantasies of me winning an Oscar: what I'd wear, my speech, who I would take...and now I just don't give a shit. I still love movies but don't have the urge to see all the nominated films. Living in L.A for 5 years, movies were my life. Now I don't have the desire to make films anymore. I guess I'm more of a music person now. It's kind of scary how drastically your interests can change. This makes me wonder, five years from now, will I even still be a writer? Will I still be obsessed with music? I hope so.

Speaking of movies, I did see a nominated film tonight, Notes on a Scandal. Going in to it, I didn't know what it was about, but I must say, I thought it was fucking great. Judi Dench was exquisite as a wicked, vindictive, tattered, curmudgeon lesbian. Her character's behavior is the reason why people should not be alone.

One final thought...it is wrong of me to constantly ponder songs to add to my Myspace page or what I'm going to blog about? I mean, Angelina Jolie is trying to save the children and I'm thinking about how I need find "Look Up" by Stars to add it to my profile. Is that petty of me?

Happy Wednesday!

Probably the most unintentionally funny commercial I've ever seen....

I Heart Chicago

It's been about 2 1/2 years since I've officially lived in the Windy City. There have been some ups and downs, but overall, Chicago's been quite good to me. Around this time two years ago, I was almost forced to move back home to Ohio. After Ex Boyfriend gratuitously kicked me out of our apartment, I contemplated moving back home. I didn't know anyone in the city and really didn't have anywhere else to go. I had just started a new job and was desperately trying to stay on full-time. I think a lot of people in my position would've just given up and fled, but something inside told me not to give up on the city and to stay. I'm glad I did.

I keep threatening to leave Chicago. When people ask me how I like Chicago, my response usually goes like this: "I really like it here, but..." There's always that but usually followed by: "It's not New York." I feel like I'm hurting Chicago's feelings when I say it's not good enough for me, that NYC is so much better. The truth is, the two are so completely opposite cities. There is quite a bit of opportunity in Chicago and if one is lucky, they can carve out a nice little niche for themself. I'm still trying to figure out how to do this. Right now, Chicago has one of the most fertile music scenes in the country seeing a resurgence of bands not seen since the alt rock blast of the mid-90s. What other city hosted four, count 'em four, huge music festivals this past summer? I went to all four for free including Lollapalooza (in which I attended illegally free.) And this summer will be no exception. You have The Onion AV Club based here. You have Vince Vaughn shooting films here. You have Oprah herself lurking around...sorta. Since moving here, I've worked a few production jobs sporadically, but not the way I did in L.A. But if you know enough people, you can make a comfortable living working in Chicago production. The winters here haven't been as awful as the denizens make it out to be, but it could be because of global warming and El Nino. I love the lake--fucking Lake Michigan! Its vast beauty and dark secrets. There's a reason why Sufjan Stevens recorded an entire album about Illinois and Chicago. I've had quite a bit of adventures here, I suppose. I've worked a bunch of jobs, none of which I really enjoyed (except for The Onion) but through these jobs, I've met some pretty great people.

Honestly, when I first moved to Chicago, I didn't know a single soul besides Ex Boyfriend. At first I kind of hated the city and kept wondering why I even moved up here. People ask me all the time why I moved to Chicago, and I don't know what to say. The initial reason was because of Ex Boyfriend, but I don't think that's true anymore. I wanted to move here even before I visited back in July of 2002. Chicago just seemed like an ideal place to live. When I visited, I wasn't too impressed with the town. The first time I visited NYC, I immediately fell in love with it. It took a while for Chicago to grow on me. It also took me a while to even make friends-- about six months. My first friend was a co-worker I met at my first awful job at a company called Old Republic insurance (shout out to Treneka!). She remains one of my closest pals here. I've networked a lot and feel like I've established myself a little as a Chicago based writer. My job is to cover the scene here, to attend shows, talk about cool restaurants, bars, and events. I've discovered a plethora of what Chicago has to offer, but there is so much more to unearth in the city. I mean, I've never been to a Cubs or White Sox game (gasp), or to the top of the Sears Tower, or to The Music Box movie theater, or to Second City. But I have worked with Vince Vaughn and interviewed to work for Jerry Springer. Sometimes I'll be walking or sitting on the train and catch a glimpse of the skyline. It's incredible! The Hancock, the Sears, all gloriously looming above the town. I know I'll eventually leave Chicago, as hard as it may be, but for now, a voice keeps telling me to stick it out a while longer. I have no desire to move back to L.A or Ohio, but I know I'd probably come back to Chicago. People use Chicago as a stepping stone to move onto bigger and better things--that's why it's called the second city.

I've only have had a handful of visitors so far. My mom is my only family member that's visited me. In the past few weeks, I've had three different friends visit. People, come visit me! I've lived in three different places (with a total of four different people including a 40 year old lesbian! Don't ask.) during my tenure here. In L.A, I lived in the same apartment for all five years. I've gotten a chance to experience different neighborhoods, too. The area I live in now (Lincoln Square) probably has been my favorite so far.

When I'm gone, I will miss you Chicago, but until I depart for other adventures, I will make the best of what you have to offer, even the occasional ennui and gust of wind leaving my spine tingling.

Against Love

Over the weekend, I started reading a book entitled Against Love: A Polemic, written by Northwestern professor Laura Kipnis. I first heard about the book in an article published in New City a few weeks ago. The book takes a sociological and philosophical approach to the idea love doesn't exist and basically advocates adultery with the explanation it's normal to want to explore "uncharted waters" or desire someone else. It discusses how relationships shouldn't be work, and if they are, the relationship is in trouble. I'm only a couple of chapters into the work, but I'm hooked. My favorite passages commenting on adultery:

"You may say you're not going to get in too deep, you may say you just want to have fun, but before you know it you're flattened by a crashing wave from nowhere and left gasping for air with a mouthful of sand (Translation: you're in love, or you're in lust, and not with you mate, and your life feels out of control, and maybe you've been waiting your whole life to feel this way about someone, which means you're in big trouble.)"

I also like this metaphor for adultery: "Using love to escape love, groping for love outside the home to assuage the letdowns of love at home--It's kind of like smoking and wearing a nicotine patch at the same time: two delivery systems for an addictive chemical substance that feels vitally necessary to your well-being at the moment, even if likely to wreak unknown havoc in the deepest fibers of your being at some unspecified future date."

The former passage especially hits close to home because it happened to me. I feel like I'm reliving the experience reading the book, but it's also giving me a better understanding of what we go through in coupledom. As my roommate told me, "You love too much." And she's right. I have so much love to give I have a tendency to give it away to those who don't reciprocate, at least in a healthy way. So, from here on not, I'm just not going to love anymore. I'm making a vow to be a little more emotionally desensitized to my romantic relationships. I don't know if I even believe in the institution of marriage. I think it can be wonderful for some people, but I don't know if it's for me. I'd probably get divorced. My mother has been divorced for 21 years, and she seems content. Neither one of my roommates covet to get married. From here on out, I'm against love. I'm against the idea of marriage and monogamy. Of course tomorrow I could meet the right guy and get swept off my feet and change my mind, but I don't think so. And I don't necessarily feel this way because I've been heartbroken a couple of times and as a result have become cynical. I don't believe in coupledom in the way society says you should. I'm trying to avoid the conventions we allow ourselves to fall in to. Being monogamous just isn't practical. At least according to the book.

I had a dream the other night that I was sitting in the back seat of my car and it was moving forward on auto-pilot. This led me to wonder, am I going through my life in auto mode? I'd like to think I'm proactive, always putting myself out there, but then again, maybe I'm not taking enough risks right now. There is so much I want to accomplish right now, but the lack of financial stability prevents me from doing the things I want like going to SXSW, Coachella, visiting Lexington, moving to NY, etc. Or maybe auto mode is my fear, the fear of growing too complacent and playing it safe. I feel the stasis settling in creating an uneasiness inside me. I feel like things are never going to get better, that I'm going to continue my patterns of dating guys who don't have their shit together (maybe because I don't have my shit together), and to continue leap frogging from dead end job to dead end job. As far as I know, maybe I'll never work again. Maybe I'm meant to be one of those homeless people who live in a dumpster and get ravaged by a rabid dog. More than anything I want to break the paradigm I've established for myself, but I just don't know how. For instance, today I drove to Cicero to sign up to be an extra in a Vince Vaughn film shooting here, and they basically told me all the positions were filled and they'd call me if something opened up. Fuck! I was an extra in Stranger Than Fiction! I can't deal with any more rejection. Besides the extra job, two guys I've been recently been involved with gave me the "let's be friends" speech this past week. Honestly, I have enough friends. On top of it, I'm still upset about DePaul guy. I need to get over what has happened, but it's difficult sometimes. More than anything I really want to pull him aside and have a dialogue with him. Just hash it out. Maybe slap him around a little. The only way to truly do this is get a few drinks in him, which is something I could probably make happen if I wanted to. But, for now, I'm trying not to communicate with him and put some time and distance between us and let the acrid taste in my mouth towards him subside. I want him to wonder what the hell happened to me because as far as he knows, I still work at DePaul.

I feel like I'm a jet on the runway, going really fast, but never lifting off the ground. Just a bunch of false starts that seem like flight, but then crash to the platform. I'm trying to take off in all aspects of my life, yet I'm not succeeding. Maybe I'm just not meant for anything special. Maybe I'm just meant to be a slug on a log getting stepped on. Or maybe I need to quit feeling so fucking sorry for myself. Alas, tomorrow is another day full of uncertain possibilities. And snow flurries. Damn, how did I get to be so jaded?

Ok, fine. I won't close myself off. I'll keep my heart open to the possibilities, allowing them to flow through me.

I'm Ready To Die

A couple of months ago I interviewed a band and asked the guitarist about struggling. He had this to say: "I had to come to a point where I thought if i can't do this, I don't care, I'd rather die. Once I gave up the ghost and crossed that line is when a lot more things started to happen. " So, that's how I'm beginning to feel. I'm ready to die for my art. I've been out of work for a few days and I really have no desire to go back working some shitty job. I keep looking for jobs, but answering phones or filing doesn't sound appealing to me. Not working at DePaul has been good for me in the sense I don't have to see DePaul guy anymore. It's the whole out of sight, out of mind thing, which I need to finally ween myself from the idea of him. I think it's working. I've been productive sending out clips, trying to hit the pavement hoping and praying I can finally do what I want with my life. I really have no other choice at this point then to make it as a writer. I simply can't continue along floating from dead end job to the next. Is this how I'm supposed to spend the rest of my life? I don't think so. There has to be a way to do it. I'm trying to discover it. Otherwise, I'd rather die if I can make a living as writer. I'm tenacious enough to do it. This week I started writing for a new site called Myopenbar.com. It's quite genius really, and not a lot of people know about it. You can pretty much get free or cheap booze every day of the week in Chicago. It's my job to find bars and events offering said booze. Like I really need an excuse to drink more than I already do. The site is snarky and it pisses people off. I like that characteristic.

I feel like such a slacker when I'm unemployed, and believe me, I think I've spent too much of my post-college life being unemployed. When I lived in L.A, every time a show I worked on got cancelled or ended, I had to find work. It seemed like every 2-3 months I had to find something. The trend continues. The most I've ever worked steadily was from Jan. 2005-March 2006 at two different jobs. Getting a paycheck every week made me grow complacent and it didn't make me search for a job I'd really like. So, now that's what I'm trying to do....very soon hopefully.

Focusing on writing has been taking up most of my time right now, but there are always room for distractions. I don't know how many times I have to get myself into these situations until I learn not to do it anymore. I don't understand why relationships have to be complicated. Don't people just date anymore? Why do there always have to be obstacles in the situations I choose? I'm beginning to wonder if it's me or men in general. Why don't guys ever know what they want? Even though I said one of my resolutions was to avoid casual encounters, I've succumbed again. I've become the girl in Neko Case's "Hold On, Hold On" song: "In the end I was the mean girl or somebody's in between girl." I'm the in between girl. I think I just should accept my fate and expect these things to continue until I find someone without any hangs up whatsoever, if that does indeed exist.

I've had more time recently to catch up on some things. Here's what I've liked. The Descent. It's scary and chilling, and I love the entire cast are these kick ass, tough as nails female heroines. It's got a little Deliverance, a little Apocalypse Now, and some Blair Witch Project thrown in, but yet it's a completely original, engrossing, and thrilling horror film. I also caught a little of I'm From Rolling Stone, MTV's new reality show about music journalists. I hate MTV and reality tv, but this one intrigued me because, well, I'm a music journalist. The kids on the show are so dumb. I could easily write for Rolling Stone. The one kid had to interview a band and he didn't know what to say to them. Idiot. Do your research! I've also liked Little Miss Sunshine and Children of Men. With this downtime, I really should watch more movies and read more books, but I get distracted with trying to figure out how to get myself out of this rut and find a bright, shiny future for myself. I just joined Netflix. I hope it's better than Blockbuster because it's simply too cold to walk three blocks down the street to my local chain. Maybe this weekend I'll take a break from the pavement.

Random Thoughts On a Winter Day

A lot has happened in the past 24 hours. As of yesterday, I no longer work at DePaul. My temp agency informed me Thursday at 5 p.m Friday would be my last day. There was no more work to do. They are slowly phasing out the temps and unfortunately in order to decide who was to be let go, they pulled names from a hat. My name and another guy's were picked. Once again, I'm unemployed. Every two months I have to look for work. On some level, this is okay because at least I get to work at a lot of different places and if I don't like the job, there's no commitment, but at the same time, I hate not knowing how I'm going to survive. A part of me thinks I should sell out and get some salaried corporate job, but then another part of me knows I couldn't do it. The steadiest job I've ever have latest 8 1/2 months. I left that job last March and have been floating around ever since. I think I just don't want to work. All I want to do is figure out a way to make a living as a writer, and I can't do it now. I'm really stuck. I can't do what I want, I can't do what I don't want. I don't think I've ever had a job I liked. Maybe it's just not going to happen for me. When I get down, I start thinking about moving to NY. But like my friend told me, I should move there because I want to move towards something, not away from something. Sometimes I want to move there to escape. Don't get me wrong, I love Chicago. I love all the people I've met here, it's just I need to do something with my life and I don't think I can accomplish what I want here. I feel like I'm spinning my wheels right now. I'm not even writing much lately. I pitched something to Time Out and they rejected it. I know NY is on a higher plane than Chicago, but there's more opportunity. In the past two days, two people have asked me if I'm moving to NY. I don't know. I just don't know. But I'm going to start looking into it. I have another friend here who's moving there in March. Maybe it's time for me as well.

Not working at DePaul means no more DePaul guy. It's been a very deja vu experience. I left our job in March and had to say goodbye to him then. Back then I felt some animosity between us. I think this week we had a breakthrough. All I want to do is offer him an olive branch and make amends. I don't know if this is possible right now. I have to let him go for a while and not contact him. This is the only chance I'll ever have of a reconciliation. So in a sense, not working there is a good thing. Working at DePaul had become a conflict of interest for me. This brings up the topic of forgiveness. Last night my old roommate from L.A, Derek, was in town. He came over and we ended up having a pretty deep conversation. He's traveling around the world this year and is in a "let me tell you how I really feel" phase. He confided to me he hasn't always treated me very well and he was sorry. I subscribe to his philosophy. You should tell people how you feel because they could be gone tomorrow. I forgive people. I don't want to walk around feeling angry at certain people for the way they treated me. I forgive Ex Boyfriend for kicking me out. I even forgive DePaul guy. I forgave my dad for not being around most of my life. I don't want bad blood. If the person doesn't accept your lament, that's their problem. This is how I choose to live my life. Forgive and apologize.

People ask me a lot about my blog and how I can express the things I do. The great thing about a blog is you have the freedom to pretty much write whatever you want. It's been a great platform for me to express my thoughts and to share ideas. People always ask me what I'm thinking and this blog gives some insight to my world. On the flipside though, I've decided to censor myself a little. The downside to writing whatever you feel like is you can potentially hurt someone's feelings. I write very personal stuff and I'm afraid of alienating people. Ex Boyfriend told me not to write about him anymore. I have a feeling DePaul guy saw the post about him. I retracted it a couple of days ago because I felt it was too personal for others to see. Certain thoughts should be kept in my journal for my eyes only. I'm not out to defame people. So, I'm going to exercise more caution with the posts and try to keep more to myself. But the thing about any kind of writing is it should provoke a reaction. I'm a reactionary writer. I don't necessarily want to play it too safe, but I also have to keep people's reactions in mind. I have to use some taste. I'm not going to write about Ex Boyfriend or DePaul guy anymore unless it's absolutely necessary.

So, with that said, I'm not going to write about who I hooked up with Friday night. Yes, two weeks into the new year, and I've already spent two Friday nights with two different guys. Does this make me a slut? I don't know what is it. I just sit here and guys literally fall from the sky into my lap. With my career, I can't be idle-I'm very proactive-but with meeting guys, they seem to always seek me out. Thanks, Myspace! I think it's also because I'm open to things. I make myself available. I think I'm also slightly easy and approachable. Is that bad? I know singletons who have a difficult time meeting people. They hit the bar scene in hopes of meeting someone. Not me. I guess I'm lucky like that. I do wish publications would seek me out instead of guys. This new guy has more potential than the previous one. I've come to the realization I don't want to be emotionally involved with anyone right now. I'm been through so much emotionally with Ex Boyfriend and DePaul guy in the past few months, I'm simply wrecked emotionally. I think I want to be with someone where it's fun and real and where there aren't any expectations. This is my problem. When I meet someone, I immediately begin planning our wedding. I think too much about where it's going and I start having fantasies of our future together. This gets me into trouble and creates a lot of drama and disappointment. I'm really going to try to live in the moment more and not analyze where it's going. Just take it day by day and see what happens. I'm going to try this with the new guy and hopefully it'll work. It's like that line in Dazed and Confused: "That's what I love about these high school girls, man. I get older, they stay the same age." I feel like cradle robbers Drew Barrymore or Cameron Diaz. And look how it worked out for them.

For the first time ever, I have the apartment to myself this weekend. My roommates are out of town. I must say, I enjoy being alone once in a while. I think I could live alone but only as long as I had a revolving door of guests to keep me company. And a cat. So more and more I think I'd like to get my own place. I'm reaching the age where I think I need my own place. But, I'm not keen on living in some hole in the wall studio apartment. I've lived alone before and it was alright. So, that's something to consider if I stay in Chicago. If I go to NY, I'm definitely going to need a roommate.

I don't know what the hell I'm going to do about certain things, but I need to make some major decisions soon. It's still the beginning of the year, the best time to make fresh changes.

Things That Are Pissing Me Off Today

5 Things That Are Pissing Me Off Today

1. Work. Lately, there's been a dearth of work which makes me bored. I get bored anyway, but more bored these days. I'm sick of meaningless work. And there are too many kids at this school. It feels overcrowded. There was a line for the elevator! I wish it still was break. It was rather quiet then.

2. The waiting game. I get bored and this propels me to check my email and Myspace obsessively. Like a 100 times a day. Then, I get pissed when no one gets back to me. No one has gotten back to me about my pitches and such. Why can't people just follow through and return messages? I hate that. And when people don't write back, I take it personally, like I did something wrong. Waiting, waiting, waiting...

3. The mail. I've been anxiously waiting to receive some mail and have not received it yet. I don't understand why the mail is so slow. I was suppose to receive a check for a couple of articles I did. It was sent to me before Christmas. My editor resent the check, but I still haven't received it. I'm paranoid about the mail. Our mail is dropped through a slot in the door. I share mail with my 2 roommates and 2 neighbors. I worry my mail accidentally got mixed in with the neighbors. Or maybe they stole my mail. I just want my mail already.

4. Bloc Party. They've been on of my fave bands for the past two years as I loved and still love every minute of Silent Alarm, but I just read how they recorded their second album to sound like Coldplay. I've heard the new album, and it's good, but it's not Silent Alarm. Fucking sell outs.

5. The CTA. I tried to put money on my card this morning, but the machine wouldn't accept my wrinkled dollar bill. I did not have another bill. I had to walk to the bank, withdraw money, and put $20 bucks on my card leaving me no lunch money and making me late to work.

5 Things That Aren't Pissing Me Off

1. Instant Messenger. It's my only portal to the outside world during the day. A couple of days ago I made a new "cyber friend." A guy who works with someone I used to work with tracked me down on Myspace. He works at my old job. I've never met him, but we've been "talking" online. We bitch about how much we hate work especially about the place I used to work. Someone to silently feel my pain.

2. Margot and the Nuclear So and Sos. I'm going to see them in concert tonight at Schubas. I interviewed them, so I got on the list plus one. My friend is coming with me. The first concert of the new year. I also got on the list for Camera Obscura. Love them. Now I must work on getting a pass to see The Shins when they roll into town.

3. Sally Shapiro and Sol Seppy. I just discovered these two artists. Both have incredible voices. Sally's music is dubbed Italian Disco, a genre I didn't even know existed. Both make ethereal, lovely music. Sally's is a little more electronic influenced. Both of them take me to another world, making me feel sad and happy at the same time.

4. Dunkin Donuts. Earlier in the week, they handed out coupon books with really good deals. 99 cents for a large coffee? Dunkin makes me feel alive and caffeinated for approximately 10 minutes.

5. DePaul Guy. For once, I don't feel like kicking his ass. I've had two face to face conversations with him this week. If he truly hated me, he wouldn't talk to me or have read my Myspace message (which he did) or add someone to his Myspace because I told him to (which he did). All this could change in a second, but maybe there's a glimmer of hope for redemption yet.

College Is Pointless

For the past couple of months, I've been temping at a college in the Office of Admissions. The other day I was walking around the school, looking at all the twenty-something kids bustling to and from class and had an epiphany: college is pointless. Sure, it's cool to say you went to college because it makes you seem intelligent and well-rounded. College is good for making friends, attending weekend keggers, building social skills, and "finding yourself." But that's it. I understand high school. You have to get good grades in high school so you can get into a good college. But what's the point in getting straight A's in college? A potential employer doesn't even look at your grades. I've never been on a job interview where the interviewee was like: "Oh my, you got a C in Earth Science! We can't hire you." I can't even remember what my final college and high school GPA were. I realize you also go to school to learn things, but honestly, how much knowledge do we really retain? I can't even recite the Spanish alphabet even though I took two years of Spanish in college. I'm looking at these kids thinking probably 60-70% will not put their degree to use. Most of them will end up working in retail or doing something shitty like answering phones for a paper company. I understand some degrees are useful. If you get a degree in business, the chances are you will find some corporate job and work in a business capacity. Or if you got to law school, you're guaranteed to be a lawyer (well, my brother may be the only exception). But what about those who get a degree in English? Or History? Or Film, like me? What the hell are you going to do with that? A lot of the other temps I work with have degrees in English, Theatre and such, but what are we doing all day? Alphabetizing files. Doing data entry. It doesn't take a degree to master these tasks. And then there are the student workers who are still in school. They're doing the exact same thing we're doing. This depresses me. You go to college, get a degree, and get a job college kids can do. At least they still have the opportunity to change their fate. You hope for something better, but alas, there isn't anything better. I know a lot of people who reach maybe the age of 25 or so and realize how much the real world sucks and decide to get a Masters or something and proceed to spend the next few years in school buying time to avoid the real world again. Smart, but expensive. I've been out of college for 6 years now and haven't really put my degree to use. I have no desire to make movies anymore. I also have no desire to shuffle papers all day. I have no desire to sell my soul to a corporation so I can afford to buy a yacht. Basically, I'm fucked.

Exceptfor the fact apparently every Wednesday the University of Ministry serves free soup and chips in the Student Union, college is pointless. Mmmm.....free creamy potato.

R.I.P "The O.C"

It was announced last week, that the show, "The O.C", has been cancelled after four seasons. Of course, no one was watching. The show debuted in August of 2003 and became what critics called "a phenomenon," although I don't remember it being that big. I didn't get into the show until the second season. I wanted to see what all the brouhaha was about. I was immediately sucked into the convoluted storylines, the witty dialogue, the character of Seth Cohen who was a total geek but had the best pop culture zingers, and the music. "The O.C" became a platform for emerging indie bands. I discovered a lot of great bands in the past few years. I had never seen the first season until a year ago when I decided to rent it and catch up. I was blown away. I must've watched 14 episodes in a row. It was like crack. Ryan's (Benjamin McKenzie) broodiness, Kirstin and Sandy Cohen, the coolest and most understanding parents ever, and Seth finally getting the girl of his dreams, the out of his league Summer Roberts. I always marveled at the high school portrayed. It had a full-service coffee bar. My high school had a place called The Hole in the Wall which was exactly what it sounds like. It sold candy bars not lattes. The second and third seasons took quick dives. They developed a plotline in season 2 having Mischa Barton's character, Marissa, become a lesbian for four episodes to increase ratings. Marissa comes to her senses and the characters never speak of it again. The producers decided to kill her off last season, and it actually worked in favor of the show. Season 4 has seen a resurgence with more compelling storylines, but it hasn't been enough to save the show.

I've spent quite a bit of time in the real O.C. It's absolutely stunning. Newport Beach. Huntington Beach. Laguna Beach. Breathtaking views. Orange County is ten times better than L.A. I have a good friend who lives in Tustin and I visited her last year. She lives within five miles of the grand Pacific. Lucky her. The O.C also hosts one of the most expensive housing markets in the country. One of my fave lines from "Arrested Development" (another brilliant axed show from Fox) is when Gob and I think Buster refer to Orange County as The O.C and Michael immediately corrects them: "Don't call it that." An ode to a pop culture phenom. I wonder what will happen to "Ryan" and "Seth." Will there be life for them after "The O.C"? "Ryan" showed promise in the film Junebug. "Seth" will probably be pigeonholed. It's probably in the show's best interest to end now because he and "Summer" were a couple in real life until a month ago. Goodbye, "The O.C." You've wasted so much of my time. Don't be ashamed. Go ahead, watch some of tv's best soap.

Happy Fucking New Year

For the past couple of days, I've had an old friend in town. My pal Jenny, whom I've known since the 4th grade and who is two days older than me, was here on business. I hadn't seen her in about 3 years. She lives in Lexington now and recently broke up with her cheating boyfriend. Ah, the single life. She has a kid with the bastard, which makes things really complicated. Anyway, she booked a room at The Drake, so I decided to crash there for the past two night just to say I've slept at The Drake like Prince Charles or something. The hotel is swanky, but not in a pretentious sort of way. A fully stocked mini bar awaited us, and I was tempted to drink it dry, but with a mini bottle of vodka costing $7 and Evian equally expensive, I passed. Last night we kind of hit the town. First, we had a pricey dinner at The Grill on Michigan. It was pouring down rain, so that's the first place we were able to seek shelter. My dinner bill reached $40 (including 2 overpriced and non-effective Blood Orange martinis.) She wanted to go to another place, so we took a cab to the W hotel and hung out in the lounge. The place was quite empty for a Thursday night in the big city. WTF? Did the rain or the new year deter people? Chicago was tired last night. Jenny wanted to go dancing, so the closet place I knew of was a cheesy pseudo-discotheque called the Hangge Uppe. I had been there before. Again, no one was there, but they did play some good 80s music. That's all I really ask for in a club. Jenny got pretty smashed, me, not so much for once. All the places we went, I got carded and she didn't. She's only two days older than me, but obviously appears older. I'm flattered when I get carded. Jenny's trying to convince me to move to Lexington, which I can't see myself doing, but I'm going to visit her very soon. Overall, it was a good visit and was a nice distraction from the January blahs. I'm beginning to really cherish the relationships I have with my single girlfriends. You really need them to bitch about boys.

Yesterday, DePaul Guy finally made his new year appearance. I was leaving my office for the day, simply walking out and minding my own business, when I noticed him standing there talking to a girl I work with! Holy shit! He knows one of the student workers! It seems wherever I go, I meet someone who knows him. The recent revelation was almost as shocking as when I found out he knew Onion Guy. Ugh. So, of course I wanted him to see me and made a point of walking by them. He glanced up for a split second, saw me, and went back to the conversation. I of course waved at him. Today I approched Student Worker, told her my story on him, and warned her about his jackassism. If nothing else, he's definitely given me a lot of great stories to tell. I've decided not to play this "we don't know each other" game anymore with him because we DO know each other goddammit. I'm not going to be so tentative anymore, either. If I see him, I will say hi and try to talk to him. All I really want at this point is for him to acknowledge me, throw some respect my way, re-add me to Myspace, and maybe talk to me once in a while. I don't need to be friends with him. Actually, it's impossible for us to be friends now because too much damage has been done and I don't trust him. I don't know if we were ever truly friends either because of our history together. As Mary J. Blige once said, "No more drama." But after seeing him, especially in his brand new Christmas coat looking all dapper, I felt very depressed. In the new year, why am I STILL being reminded of my past? Of ex-heartbreaking lovers? Ghosts? I suppose there is a reason for all this, but I don't know what. And even though I shutter when I see him, I really do want to see him. I also think I'm still attracted to Onion Guy/Guy I saw on NYE. But, I don't want to go down that road again, either. And the thing is, I don't really need nor want a boyfriend. I'm content going out, being social, hanging out with friends, and focusing on my writing. I just want guys to quit bringing me down just because they exist. I'm sick of being reminded of what once was and what will never be again. And the one guy, the one guy from my past who has a ray of potential and whom I haven't even seen in six years, well, he's thousands of miles away, and we keep having missed connections. Sigh.

Besides my constant boy drama, I'm really trying to focus on my writing career right now. I've put some feelers out to a couple of publications, so we'll see. Hopefully these things will pan out. I have to keep trying, though. It's the new year and I need to take advantage of the new beginnings presented before me and make shit happen. Stat.

The Times They Are A-Changin'

It's only one day into 2007 and I'm having that impenetrable/palpable feeling things are gonna drastically change this year. I had this feeling with the advent of 2000. In January 2000, I had a discussion with a friend who also agreed 2000 was going to be a year of great change. And it was. Just today, my friend told me he's quitting his job next week. He's been bitching about quitting for months, but he officially gave notice. It's an end of an era, especially since he's been defined by his job for the past couple of years. This is the same friend I keep thinking I don't want to be friends with anymore because of certain incidents in the past, but then he somehow redeems himself and wins me over again. I actually accidentally spent part of New Year's Eve with him, and he was quite endearing towards me. He and I are in the same boat--both looking for better opportunities--so I will embrace his friendship and purpose in my life instead of fighting it.

Another sign of change: Last night I talked to Ex Boyfriend and if his father's condition doesn't improve, Ex Boyfriend may have to move home and take care of the family. I really hope it doesn't come to this because the thought of him moving away really saddens me. I'd hate for him to move back to the place he grew up. If he leaves, my safety net will be gone. But who knows at this point.

I'm also looking for a new job. I don't know how much longer I'll be toiling away at DePaul. I really want to find something I love if that's even possible at this point. I need to start pitching ideas to publications and hitting the pavement, but my brain is still on holiday. I'm feeling kinda numb and tired and don't want to work or write or anything--but I have to jump start the year and dive into the icy waters. Everything feels so anti-climatic right now. The holidays are over and I miss my friends and family. I'm really glad I got to spend quality time with everyone, though.

I know one thing that'll change in a few months is my living situation. Our lease is up in June. I'm not on the lease, but I do live there. We hate our neighbors, so no matter what, we'll be moving. June may be a good jumping off point for me to either move to NY or get my own place or something. I have a feeling my two roommates and I may be going our separate ways. I know this is 5 months away, but it'll be here before we know it. I can't even begin to consider this right now.

I think things will reverse themselves this year. What was wrong last year may be right this year and vice versa. For instance, I may decide I absolutely love hip-hop and dedicate my life to it. Doubt it, but I do kinda like Lupe Fiasco. I think when things are static for too long, events usually arise and jumble everything up. I'm waiting for more people from my past to come out of the woodwork. I'm waiting for DePaul Guy to make an appearance. Maybe he'll reverse his attitude towards me. Or not.

All I know is there's a seismic shift on the way.